How to write this....I don't know. My heart is both heavy and full. Heavy for the loss of our beautiful daughter Merin and her husband Mike and full because of the miracle of their tiny daughter Ysa's survival. Full also because of the tremendous (and wholly unanticipated) outpouring of love we have received not only from friends and family but from wonderful, warm-hearted people we have never met. The last two weeks have been .... I don't really know what.... challenging, difficult, painful, frightening, exhausting but also hopeful, supported, enlightening. I am beyond grateful for the love and tender care that has been extended to us. I have learned far more than I should have (why did I not know some of this?) about showing love and concern for others as we have been enveloped in the most generous way.
Somehow, although it has always been a theoretical possibility, it never seemed like a real threat that one of my precious children could be seriously harmed or killed. That a traffic fatality would claim sweet Merin still seems impossible and unreal. I am so glad that my last memory of her is so beautiful. She truly and absolutely glowed - she was so happy and so in love with her husband and baby. The late afternoon was soft and the atmosphere so warm and happy as we celebrated the marriage of her cousin. Family all around, love surrounding us and hope for future joy. It was...just wonderful. In my mind I see her picking her way down a flight of stairs and across the grass (in her pretty high heels) as she joined our family group after feeding little Ysa. She was so beautiful. Of course she was dressed and groomed with her own particular flair - so Merin - but more, there was a peace, a total happiness that radiated from her and was so appealing and beautiful. I am so glad that I have that memory and the recognition that she was blessed and felt blessed in her life.
I love each of my children - overwhelmingly. I am so grateful for the fullness of that mother's love. It brings me intense joy and comfort. In this case the pain of loss is just a hair below what I can bear. Would I change the pain I feel right now? Of course I would but if this is the price I must pay for the joy of being Merin's mother then I will gladly suffer now. I know it sounds perhaps dramatic but there is a huge hole and it really hurts. I am sad even while I recognize my many, many blessings.
I could write for hours about Merin - her life, her qualities, talents - all the things that I want to remember, and I probably will over the next months. Perhaps not here but I will.
As the cleaning lady at the hospital said daily when she came in to sweep Ysa'a room "God is great. God has a plan." I have faith that this is so. I am so grateful for the comfort of the Spirit and the blessings of the Atonement. Again as our faithful cleaning lady said, "Now it is time to praise God." He is indeed good and I am thankful for that.
He is good and I have been blessed with loving children. Their love for each other is another blessing. My husband's tender concern for me - even in his own grief - humbles me. Tiny Ysa's life and health, her new home and the unquestioning love of her new parents is another blessing too great to quantify. The faith and prayers of untold friends employed on our behalf - words fail. And the many, many acts of love and service that speak so sweetly to my heart...
Although this is indeed stormy weather I know that the sun shines. I can feel it and I know that it will shine more brightly as my heart heals and I learn more to trust in my Heavenly Father. I am so eternally grateful for Merin. She was ever a joy to me, my special friend and little helper, almost always with me. I will miss her but we will be together again. I know.